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What is FUTCH?
Who is FUTCH?
Bats squeak overhead and parts of this might do very nicely as a soundtrack to some grand guignol silent film about a mad scientist and his deformed assistant. This is a cracking disc.
The Wire

When FUTCH arrived, there were people who said 'Oh there is FUTCH' as if it had always existed - that there had always been FUTCH.

You mean there was a time that could be considered pre-FUTCH?

Absolutely, but it is hard to pin down. I would say that sometime between the invention of stone-throwing and the invasion of Iraq, FUTCH came into existence. Some are saying now that FUTCH has materialised as a group of musicians playing improvised music.

People pass you on the street and say 'Oh FUTCH!' and you knowingly nod your head in agreement, but the truth is that you are none the wiser. FUTCH perhaps is a state of mind?

Is it of use to anybody? Can you sell it?

Well, not really. Besides, there are no Americans involved in the group, and they understand these things so much better than us.

FUTCH is hard to imagine, should we call in an expert to explain. What would Ludwig Wittgenstein make of it?

The possibility of being in a state of FUTCH depends on your perception of the action, as in the verb 'to FUTCH', which may lead to the observation that the action is encoded in the noun 'The FUTCH' which tends certainly to grammatical mobility - circumstantial usage one might say. The actualisation could be considered impermanent; impossible to train; will not do as it is told.

Now there is a clue. Is it a dog? Can you take FUTCH for a walk?

Never go on stage with animals or children - have you learnt nothing in your professional lives?!

Well I'm totally FUTCHED.

I agree, and that is a serious complaint.

Can you catch the FUTCH? These days you can never be too careful who you shake hands with. I didn't realise it was so intense - dangerous.

Wrong again. FUTCH is behavioural and not yet a medical condition. Whole populations could be infected by chronic FUTCH but it is too soon to say. As a virus, it could take over the leadership of the free world and cause a breakdown of the social will. We might forget who we are and where we are going. It could result in a breakdown in the transmission of language.

The end of civilisation as we know it then?

The Germans say 'Alles Futsch' which means 'chuck it away, forget it'

Oh I did that already.

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